apologize

i don't know what's wrong with me. i don't have a clue. nothing ever satisfies me anymore; everything i do is such a fucking chore. lately i can't stop thinking about growing old. i'm worried i won't ever find anyone to be with. i'm worried all my friends will abandon me. i'm worried that since few things truly satisfy me and content me and make me genuinely happy i'll end up settling. i don't want to settle. i don't know what i want, but i know when i find what i want i will know. i feel so hollow. empty. merciless. okay...maybe not merciless, but it sounded good at the time. i'm sorry to everyone i've been bitchy to lately. i can't help myself. i'm always angry and i don't understand why. i snap at dumb things. i go off about trivial situations and as soon as i do, i instantly regret it. i don't want to be this way. i want to change, but i don't know how because i don't even know how i came to be this way in the first place. and that's the most frustrating thing. i want to be happy and loving and caring, but i don't know how and i feel like a fake, well...faking it. i just wish something would change--i don't know what--but something so i don't feel this way anymore. all i can think about is the people, namely my family, i've potentially hurt because of my savage emotions and outbursts. i want to say i'm sorry but shit like that doesn't come easy to me. i'm not close with my family like that. i'm not close with anyone like that. i want to be sincere, i want to say what i feel but every time i think i'm going to BOOM some wall just erects out of nowhere preventing me from saying what i want. it sucks it sucks it sucks.

you know what i miss

old days.
not even like old, old....just like last year
and maybe the year before.
shit was awesome.
people were cool.
everyone seemed a lot less stressed and a lot less tense and just down to chill.
now everyone is getting married, having babies, isolating themselves in their rooms for months at a time thus ending all former relationships of anykind, getting in trouble, or just being douchebags.

what's the fun in all this?

serious time

there comes a time when you've got to distinguish your true friends from your friends that really don't give a fuck unless you're helping them.

right now, this is me.
this court thing has got me torn like a blankey that's been carried around for one too many years.
sure, you're cool and all and fun to kick it with...but honeslty, unless things are going your way, i don't think you could give two shits about anybody else's issues. and that's fine.
i didn't have a problem helping you out at first, but the more i think about it and the more i realize i'm probably not getting the money you promised me, the more i don't care what happens to you. and honestly, maybe you'll get some fucking sense knocked into your brain. this is life. things DON'T always go your way. you CAN'T always talk your way out of anything. attorneys AREN'T going to help you out with every small fucking problem that comes your way. and maybe this is just my opinion. if your life works for you then live it. live it up. but the way i live is not like that. i am capable of understanding sometimes i have to take responsibility for my actions, no matter how hard it is, no matter the consequences.
i know you're not reading this, but, honey, let me tell you (like i've told you before), i don't know how this whole court thing is going to pan out, but if it's your ass or mine, you best believe it's your ass. hell, even if things are going swell and you're in the clear, it could still be your ass. maybe you don't know me that well, but i'm far too fucking honest, and honestly, if i don't help you out i'm not going to be affected. i could probably go the rest of my life without seeing you. the only time you call is when you need my help or you want to get laid. i'm not fucking stupid. and if you say you're going to pay me, then you best be paying me which I don't think you have any intention of doing.
money talks, buddy.
and i can talk, too.