answer, plz.

you're family.
my friends.
my heart.
my mind.
are you here, too?

sweeettttt

man i love caring for people
i went through this strange phase where i was literally heartless, careless, and out of tune with everyone because it was easy.
but you know, i don't want that anymore. it's so awesome to have emotions whether good or bad but i love love love to care!
it just makes everything more fun

HAPPY!

for the first time in such a long time i'm genuinely happy about my life and how it's progressing right now. everything will be alright....no actually, everything will be AWESOME.

overwhelmed.

gah. i've never felt like i couldn't do something and right now i feel as though i can't do anything.
why does all this shit have to happen at once?
fuck. my. life.

oh man.

well....i'll just write another blog while i'm at it.

i just want to say thank you so much for just being there for me, for never letting shit get awkward between us, for everything you've ever done for me, and for actually caring. sure, i cared for you when we dated. you were, and still are the best i've ever had, and i wish i would've realized this sooner. i've liked you forever, from the day i first saw you man and when i want something bad enough, i'll get it. i don't know why i stuck around for so long, or why you still even hang out with me. everyday i wake up and wonder if you think our relationship is as weird as i do. i know i should move on, and some days i really think i have but for some reason i just can't leave. as close as we are, i just can't bring myself to ask you what's the deal with us. sometimes i wish the emotions and openness we both display when we're drunk carried over into sobriety, but somehow i feel if i ask you if there's still anything between us, things will get really weird. it's probably not true, though, i mean, crazier things have happened between us and we're still homies. it took me a while to realize this, but i love you. i don't know if it's more of i love you cuz you're like my best friend or more i love you, love you. i've never been in love before. i don't know what it feels like, but i just might have been(or sitll am) in love with you. i want you to know so bad, and i fight telling you this all the time for fear it'll creep you out. i don't want to lose you in my life. i hope you mean what you say when you're drunk, and i feel like you do cuz we're just on the same page about shit. it's baffling to me. i never knew anyone could be so much like me, or that i could get along with anyone this much. i love waking up beside you in the morning and i love kickin it with you all day. this weekend especially made me realize that. i mean, for pretty much four days i was with you literally 24/7 and not once did i feel the need to leave. you don't know how big that is. whenever i kick it with anyone, no matter how close they are to me, there's always a point where i feel like i've overstayed my welcome, and i have to leave. usually that point is only a couple hours after my arrival. i know there's a day coming though when we're both going to have to go our separate ways, and truthfully i don't ever want to think of that. i can't imagine you not being in my life. you've been around for so long it'll be such a huge adjustment. i don't even know where this blog is going, i just feel like i have to get this off my chest. someday i'll be able to tell you how i really feel, but until that day comes i guess all of these thoughts will be trapped here on the web where i know you won't see it hah. i know they say you never truly get over your first but damn i feel like i should be over you more than this, but then again maybe not cuz they also say it for however long you date someone, it'll take like 3 times that period of time to get over them completely. i don't know how i'll ever fucking get over you though because we just can't seem to stop being with each other. you're one of like 3 people i can honestly say has never fucked me over, and i haven't known most people as long as you, so thanks. thank you for everything dude

i am writing a book.

yeah. i'm gonna write a book.
a how-to book.
a how-to-get-laid book.
because when i was makin my easy mac today, i had a brilliant title idea.

Don't listen to Kraft--MACKIN' AIN'T EASY.
it's gonna be awesome.

What Have I Done This Time?

OMG.
what have I gotten myself into?
that's the only question I have pertaining to EVERY aspect of my life right now it seems.
i don't know what the fuck I'm doing.


Presently I have 7 boxes of makeup in my room right now because I thought it'd be a GREAT idea to sell Mary Kay. I don't know the first thing about selling this stuff, and I feel so alone up here like it's all on me to figure it out. If this is how growing up and the real world is going to be, I don't want it at all. Don't get me wrong, I would rather be independent than anything else, but sometimes it'd be nice to have a guide just to get me on track and answer all these questions I have.

And then there's the boy problems. I never have really had problems before in the men department, but suddenly i do and it's weird. I didn't think innocent flirting over facebook would lead to some dude thinkin we're about to be together. IT"S FACEBOOK. you haven't met me, you don't know me, so stop trying to wife me and shit. DAMN. But at the same time, you're cool and all--I'm down to chill, but I'm not tryin to fuck you let alone date you. ahhhhh.

And then my dumb decisions of college permiscuity (I don't even think that's a word.) I need to not sleep with random boys. It's fun, no doubt, but one of these times I am going to get myself in BIIIIGGG trouble.

AND COLLEGE! What am I doing here? I'm having a grand ol' time, but I don't have the slightest clue why I am attending except to party and have good time and that's no reason to be wasting thousands of dollars a year on classes I don't care about. ugh so frustrating.

so, if someone could tell me why I make the decisions I do, please enlighten me because clealy, I don't have a clue.

----

FUCK IT ALL.
I am tired of being here.

dammit.

fuck this.
i find me a man that i dig and am fairly certain his drunken love for me is at least someone of a crush sober, but it's the type of thing that'll just never work out.
right now more than ever i just want to talk to him and see what's goood especially now.
and i hope hope hope he's not pissed about all the shit that went down the other night (at least not at me)
i don't even know where the fuck the boy is...fuck for all i know he could be in jail.
mehhhhhhh
what to do what to do

apologize

i don't know what's wrong with me. i don't have a clue. nothing ever satisfies me anymore; everything i do is such a fucking chore. lately i can't stop thinking about growing old. i'm worried i won't ever find anyone to be with. i'm worried all my friends will abandon me. i'm worried that since few things truly satisfy me and content me and make me genuinely happy i'll end up settling. i don't want to settle. i don't know what i want, but i know when i find what i want i will know. i feel so hollow. empty. merciless. okay...maybe not merciless, but it sounded good at the time. i'm sorry to everyone i've been bitchy to lately. i can't help myself. i'm always angry and i don't understand why. i snap at dumb things. i go off about trivial situations and as soon as i do, i instantly regret it. i don't want to be this way. i want to change, but i don't know how because i don't even know how i came to be this way in the first place. and that's the most frustrating thing. i want to be happy and loving and caring, but i don't know how and i feel like a fake, well...faking it. i just wish something would change--i don't know what--but something so i don't feel this way anymore. all i can think about is the people, namely my family, i've potentially hurt because of my savage emotions and outbursts. i want to say i'm sorry but shit like that doesn't come easy to me. i'm not close with my family like that. i'm not close with anyone like that. i want to be sincere, i want to say what i feel but every time i think i'm going to BOOM some wall just erects out of nowhere preventing me from saying what i want. it sucks it sucks it sucks.

you know what i miss

old days.
not even like old, old....just like last year
and maybe the year before.
shit was awesome.
people were cool.
everyone seemed a lot less stressed and a lot less tense and just down to chill.
now everyone is getting married, having babies, isolating themselves in their rooms for months at a time thus ending all former relationships of anykind, getting in trouble, or just being douchebags.

what's the fun in all this?

serious time

there comes a time when you've got to distinguish your true friends from your friends that really don't give a fuck unless you're helping them.

right now, this is me.
this court thing has got me torn like a blankey that's been carried around for one too many years.
sure, you're cool and all and fun to kick it with...but honeslty, unless things are going your way, i don't think you could give two shits about anybody else's issues. and that's fine.
i didn't have a problem helping you out at first, but the more i think about it and the more i realize i'm probably not getting the money you promised me, the more i don't care what happens to you. and honestly, maybe you'll get some fucking sense knocked into your brain. this is life. things DON'T always go your way. you CAN'T always talk your way out of anything. attorneys AREN'T going to help you out with every small fucking problem that comes your way. and maybe this is just my opinion. if your life works for you then live it. live it up. but the way i live is not like that. i am capable of understanding sometimes i have to take responsibility for my actions, no matter how hard it is, no matter the consequences.
i know you're not reading this, but, honey, let me tell you (like i've told you before), i don't know how this whole court thing is going to pan out, but if it's your ass or mine, you best believe it's your ass. hell, even if things are going swell and you're in the clear, it could still be your ass. maybe you don't know me that well, but i'm far too fucking honest, and honestly, if i don't help you out i'm not going to be affected. i could probably go the rest of my life without seeing you. the only time you call is when you need my help or you want to get laid. i'm not fucking stupid. and if you say you're going to pay me, then you best be paying me which I don't think you have any intention of doing.
money talks, buddy.
and i can talk, too.

excellent

today has been a day of fortunate findings:
+my grades for last semester turned out to be all A's minus the C in astronomy(which is also acceptable seeming how i was definitely failing all through the semester).
+i still had a paycheck from my job in BG.
+i had already payed my credit card bill leaving me with more money than I initially expected this morning.
+someone left some nugs in my car. these will be smoked by me. sorry if they were yours.


i have prospered today.
now i just have to find something to do tonight

ugh

i hate this feel that new bremen gives me. nowhere else i've ever resided (or visited) has given me this feeling, and i hope no place else ever does either. i think too much. i always have this nauceaus feeling. my stomach is tied in knots...all the time. the worst part is, i don't know why. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it.


but on the other hand, how great would it be if radiohead and muse played a show together. i would do absolutely anything to be there. i nearly cry everytime i think about such an event.

twinkies

I just do not understand. I wish I could tell you all this, but, homie, I don't wanna freak you out or anything. I mean like, we're old news. We're nothing but friends. I don't even like you like that--I don't think. But sometimes I wish I could spend the rest of my life with you. I mean, I don't wanna marry you or anything crazy like that. I just want you to be in my life forever. And it freaks me out so bad to know that someday you're gonna find another woman and be all happy and cute and perfect (which is awesome) but I'm selfish and I know that once this happens, our relationship the way it is now will be over. Done. Finished. Fine. And vice versa. If I ever find me a boy (good luck to me), I know we'll drift apart. I'm not ready for this, though. I'm just not ready. I mean, I have friends. I HAVE BEST FRIENDS. I got some pals that are so freaking amazing, but you and I just vibe so well. You can't deny it--well, maybe you can--but tell me you've noticed, too. We're like the same people born of different genders and from different wombs. We like the same music. We know what movies are good movies. 9 times out of 10 (fuck, I'll even say 8 so it's not so damn creepy) our ideas are identical. Honestly, it's kind of ridiculous how similar we are. And because of this, I am so confused. It took me a long ass time to get over you, and honestly, I'm not sure I'm completely there, but finally, finally it has set in that we're just some good ass friends who are just in the same set of mind. Maybe I think about it too much but I've never known anybody to be as similar as me. Then again, maybe this is common. Perhaps we all have those one or two people that just click real well with you, and you're just the first person I've met that vibes with me like this. I don't know. I'll never know. I just wish I could tell you, man.

number 2

So, I'm in a writing mood tonight. So I'm gonna write. But in different posts because these topics are sooooooooo completely unrelated.

Let me just tell you about money. Do you have any idea how much money I have wasted over the course of my life. I buy things just to throw them out. Two years. Three weeks. Seven Days. A decade. I mean, pretty much everything I've ever boughten will be thrown away, given away or destroyed throughout the course of my life. It's kind of ridiculous. We work to make money to buy things that we will throw away. Wouldn't it me so much cooler if we worked because we enjoyed working and just happened to get paid doing so? That's my goal in life. I just want to work at a job I like. Nothing pisses me off more than people complaining about how much they hate their job. Sure, we all have days where work sucks, but day after day after goddamn day is about ridiuclous. Here's an idea, asshat: READ THE FUCKING CLASSIFIEDS. FIND A NEW JOB. If you hate something SO much, then leave. Think about this. We live on a planet, a BIG planet compared to a human. There is literally a world of opportunity out there, so if you are unhappy, find something else.

But back to the money thing. Money bothers me. Pieces of paper determine your status in the world. Success is commonly associated by your money in the bank which sucks because some people are just great and have nothing. I mean, if money were something other than fancy paper that can go through a washer and dryer without being destroyed, then maybe I'd consider it more important. Trading and bartering things would be kind of sweet. I think I'd enjoy that more than buying things from giant chain stores with little originality. I mean, just when you think, 'oh, wow, I am a unique individual,' think about this. Somebody in California--fuck, somebody in the county next to you--is wearing those same sweatpants you bought on the clearance rack at wal mart. And wal mart is still making profit. Money bugs the shit out of me. I could complain about it all day, all night and still want more. It's like a bad relationship in which the sex is good. You hate it, you want to get out...but damn once you've been fucked, you just can't leave. Oh money is a bittersweet thing.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
(and dollar signs are pretty sweet lookin, too)

homie homie

How can I think so much about NOTHING. I am nervous, anxious, uncomfortable and tense, yet nothing is on my mind. The illusion of thought engulfs my body making me nearly sick, yet I couldn't tell you one damn thought that has crossed my mind. I hate this feeling. I hate it. All of this thinking (or lack thereof) has lead me to come to one conclusion. I smoke because I hate this. I hate being uneasy like this. When I'm high, I chill. I have a good time. Everything comes natural, but being sober...oh that's like being on a whole other planet. A planet with no oxygen, but nobody told you to bring a space suit before you arrived. A planet where nobody speaks your language, and you've forgotten your english-to-said language dictionary. A planet where all of the furniture is covered in that weird plastic shit so nothing feels like home. Being high is just my excuse--my actions, my words can all be blamed on me being stoned, but sober, I have no excuse. And as much as I'd like to say I don't give a fuck what people thing, I do. I really do. I care probably too much what other people think of me, especially my best friends. I feel like everything I do is awkward, unacceptable. This is the reason I try to act like I don't care because truth be told, I care so much that it makes it hard for me to live life the way I want. In public, I couldn't give two shits about anything--sometimes I act a fool just because I know it will make other people annoyed, angry or uncomfortable and I find some sort of sick, twisted pleasure in this. Messing with uptight-middle-aged women working at high-end department stores one of the best things in life, but as soon as you get me around somebody I know, it's a wrap. Something triggers in my brain and all 'normal' activity stops. I begin to consciously think about my every move, my every sentence, my every action. I am too afraid that those that I adore might realize that I really am not worth their time and effort. I fear they will finally see how weird and fucked up I am--even though I am fairly certain that there are more fucked up people than me, but fucked up so much that it's somehow acceptable (but being just slightly abnormal is a crime)--and just leave. Stop associating with me. I have a few close friends, but damn it's so much easier to interact with strangers. Less time, less effort. A comraderie for about five mintues and that's it. Hit it, then quit it. I like it. Call me lazy, but I like it. Anyway, I think I need to start writing more. Getting these words out of me leaves less of them to swell within me; the tension starts to disintegrate. I can dig it. Maybe I don't need pot and just need to write, but dude, what's more fun than getting high? Activities while being high. That's what.

losing it

i keep losing everything!
this is a problem.
i am so annoyed right now.
how does this happen?
somebody GET ME OUT OF THIS FREAKING PLACE!!


after 5:30 (or sooner) , it's down to 1 exam and a shit ton of working, but that's okay cuz philosophy is cool and making money is even cooler.

HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!

TURN MY SWAG ON

oh snap! i'm about to be out this place and i'm so pumped.
i feel as though my brain has shut down completely, like i am incapable of learning anything here.
i can't wait until summer because i am so productive.
i do anything and everything and do not require any sleep.
from sun up to sun down, i'm busy, busy busy and it's wonderful.
as much as i love my friends here, nothing compares to the good times with my friends back home. they're my homies for life, and i love all of them so much.
and i love kickin at my place doing whatever i want, not having to worry about a thing.
OH THE GOOD LIFE IS SO CLOSE!!!

gross

0rganic pizza is not meant for the microwave.
i have never seen anything slimier, soggier, or nastier come out of a microwave in my life.
i'm gonna eat it anyway, though.
i'm starving.



oh, p.s. one more paper to go until the semester is through! i am SO SO SO stoked

everyday is lame.

i think it's just the weather though.
ohio is killin' me, man.
IT IS APRIL 21 AND IT STILL FEELS LIKE WINTER.
i'm tired of rain. i'm tired of cold. i'm tired of life, dawg.
let me tell you, i don't even think relationships get me this upset.
it used to be just mondays suck. then mondays were pretty bad, but then tuesdays sucked, too.
and eventually the whole damn week began sucking.
words cannot explain how ready i am for this school year to be done.
i've never felt so fucking stressed in my life for no goddamn reason.
and i'm getting really really fucking pissed and irritable.
bah.
8 more days of class.
one week of exams.
then, it's time for a break.
a motherfucking break.

good..no great...morning

I think I could be fucked up every single day and be totally content with my life.
This scares me...a lot.
It's one thing to like drinking, to like doing drugs, to like getting fucked up.
but the way I feel is a whole other thing, man.



Anyway, on a total other subject, I love honesty. Finally, finally I know what's up. I need to grow some ballz and just start asking what I need to know. That's all that's to it because it's good to finally just KNOW. awesome.


HAVE AN AWESOME DAY!!!

I QUIT

I'm so over life right now.
I swear, there is always way too damn much to do and not enough time to fucking do it.
Or if I do it, something else just replaces it leaving me no time to fucking chill.
5 more weeks of school left and I really do not know how I am going to do it.
I'm not myself not at all.
I don't want to eat. I don't want to hang out with people. I don't want to smoke at all. I don't want anything but a clean fucking room and no more fucking homework. And no more listening to other people's shit. And maybe a whole day or three just to sleep and get away from everything.
I just can't handle life anymore.
Not now.
And not ever if this is how 'the real world' really is.
FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!

The Face in the Mirror

The face in the mirror that stares back at me isn't the person I want it to be. It's time to reevaluate my life. I don't even know who I am anymore. It might be time to stop smoking as much, stop partying as hard (so frequently), and start being the successful lady I can be. Looks aren't what makes the person, I understand, but I just look a mess and that's totally a reflection of what's within. I look exhausted, undone. And I am. I'm falling apart. I am tired. I just need to chill a minute, make some money, buy something nice or go somewhere far away and start over. Begin a new life. This school year is coming to a close so quickly, and what better time to restart than when something comes to a close. This summer, this next school year...this is where it begins, where the real me comes into play. I'm not going to fake who I am, anymore. I just gotta be me no matter who I'm around. It doesn't even matter. It's time to KICK SOME ASS. Emily is here and fierce and out to rock the shit out of her life.

On the First Day

Lately I've been thinking way too much, and all my thoughts are beginning to explode in my head.
So I gotta put them somewhere.
and that somehwere is here.
Awesome.