answer, plz.

you're family.
my friends.
my heart.
my mind.
are you here, too?

sweeettttt

man i love caring for people
i went through this strange phase where i was literally heartless, careless, and out of tune with everyone because it was easy.
but you know, i don't want that anymore. it's so awesome to have emotions whether good or bad but i love love love to care!
it just makes everything more fun

HAPPY!

for the first time in such a long time i'm genuinely happy about my life and how it's progressing right now. everything will be alright....no actually, everything will be AWESOME.

overwhelmed.

gah. i've never felt like i couldn't do something and right now i feel as though i can't do anything.
why does all this shit have to happen at once?
fuck. my. life.

oh man.

well....i'll just write another blog while i'm at it.

i just want to say thank you so much for just being there for me, for never letting shit get awkward between us, for everything you've ever done for me, and for actually caring. sure, i cared for you when we dated. you were, and still are the best i've ever had, and i wish i would've realized this sooner. i've liked you forever, from the day i first saw you man and when i want something bad enough, i'll get it. i don't know why i stuck around for so long, or why you still even hang out with me. everyday i wake up and wonder if you think our relationship is as weird as i do. i know i should move on, and some days i really think i have but for some reason i just can't leave. as close as we are, i just can't bring myself to ask you what's the deal with us. sometimes i wish the emotions and openness we both display when we're drunk carried over into sobriety, but somehow i feel if i ask you if there's still anything between us, things will get really weird. it's probably not true, though, i mean, crazier things have happened between us and we're still homies. it took me a while to realize this, but i love you. i don't know if it's more of i love you cuz you're like my best friend or more i love you, love you. i've never been in love before. i don't know what it feels like, but i just might have been(or sitll am) in love with you. i want you to know so bad, and i fight telling you this all the time for fear it'll creep you out. i don't want to lose you in my life. i hope you mean what you say when you're drunk, and i feel like you do cuz we're just on the same page about shit. it's baffling to me. i never knew anyone could be so much like me, or that i could get along with anyone this much. i love waking up beside you in the morning and i love kickin it with you all day. this weekend especially made me realize that. i mean, for pretty much four days i was with you literally 24/7 and not once did i feel the need to leave. you don't know how big that is. whenever i kick it with anyone, no matter how close they are to me, there's always a point where i feel like i've overstayed my welcome, and i have to leave. usually that point is only a couple hours after my arrival. i know there's a day coming though when we're both going to have to go our separate ways, and truthfully i don't ever want to think of that. i can't imagine you not being in my life. you've been around for so long it'll be such a huge adjustment. i don't even know where this blog is going, i just feel like i have to get this off my chest. someday i'll be able to tell you how i really feel, but until that day comes i guess all of these thoughts will be trapped here on the web where i know you won't see it hah. i know they say you never truly get over your first but damn i feel like i should be over you more than this, but then again maybe not cuz they also say it for however long you date someone, it'll take like 3 times that period of time to get over them completely. i don't know how i'll ever fucking get over you though because we just can't seem to stop being with each other. you're one of like 3 people i can honestly say has never fucked me over, and i haven't known most people as long as you, so thanks. thank you for everything dude

i am writing a book.

yeah. i'm gonna write a book.
a how-to book.
a how-to-get-laid book.
because when i was makin my easy mac today, i had a brilliant title idea.

Don't listen to Kraft--MACKIN' AIN'T EASY.
it's gonna be awesome.

What Have I Done This Time?

OMG.
what have I gotten myself into?
that's the only question I have pertaining to EVERY aspect of my life right now it seems.
i don't know what the fuck I'm doing.


Presently I have 7 boxes of makeup in my room right now because I thought it'd be a GREAT idea to sell Mary Kay. I don't know the first thing about selling this stuff, and I feel so alone up here like it's all on me to figure it out. If this is how growing up and the real world is going to be, I don't want it at all. Don't get me wrong, I would rather be independent than anything else, but sometimes it'd be nice to have a guide just to get me on track and answer all these questions I have.

And then there's the boy problems. I never have really had problems before in the men department, but suddenly i do and it's weird. I didn't think innocent flirting over facebook would lead to some dude thinkin we're about to be together. IT"S FACEBOOK. you haven't met me, you don't know me, so stop trying to wife me and shit. DAMN. But at the same time, you're cool and all--I'm down to chill, but I'm not tryin to fuck you let alone date you. ahhhhh.

And then my dumb decisions of college permiscuity (I don't even think that's a word.) I need to not sleep with random boys. It's fun, no doubt, but one of these times I am going to get myself in BIIIIGGG trouble.

AND COLLEGE! What am I doing here? I'm having a grand ol' time, but I don't have the slightest clue why I am attending except to party and have good time and that's no reason to be wasting thousands of dollars a year on classes I don't care about. ugh so frustrating.

so, if someone could tell me why I make the decisions I do, please enlighten me because clealy, I don't have a clue.