apologize

i don't know what's wrong with me. i don't have a clue. nothing ever satisfies me anymore; everything i do is such a fucking chore. lately i can't stop thinking about growing old. i'm worried i won't ever find anyone to be with. i'm worried all my friends will abandon me. i'm worried that since few things truly satisfy me and content me and make me genuinely happy i'll end up settling. i don't want to settle. i don't know what i want, but i know when i find what i want i will know. i feel so hollow. empty. merciless. okay...maybe not merciless, but it sounded good at the time. i'm sorry to everyone i've been bitchy to lately. i can't help myself. i'm always angry and i don't understand why. i snap at dumb things. i go off about trivial situations and as soon as i do, i instantly regret it. i don't want to be this way. i want to change, but i don't know how because i don't even know how i came to be this way in the first place. and that's the most frustrating thing. i want to be happy and loving and caring, but i don't know how and i feel like a fake, well...faking it. i just wish something would change--i don't know what--but something so i don't feel this way anymore. all i can think about is the people, namely my family, i've potentially hurt because of my savage emotions and outbursts. i want to say i'm sorry but shit like that doesn't come easy to me. i'm not close with my family like that. i'm not close with anyone like that. i want to be sincere, i want to say what i feel but every time i think i'm going to BOOM some wall just erects out of nowhere preventing me from saying what i want. it sucks it sucks it sucks.